Magnum: Don't look at the dogs, work the lock....You looked at the dogs!
T.C.: Hey, Thomas! Don't be no hero, man! Use the .45! Watch his eyes. He blinks before he strikes!
Magnum: So far this case had cost me my right to the wine cellar, the last cash in my pocket, and nearly my life. If that clerk was lying to me, I was gonna come back down here and shove that Robin Masters paperback in his ear!
(T.C. has just fixed the Ferrari)
T.C.: That'll be fifty bucks.
Magnum: Fifty bucks? What for?
T.C.: Well, there's something known as parts man.
Magnum: Fifty bucks for spark plugs?! Cmon!
T.C.: That's right.
Magnum: Look, I gotta run. I'll see you this afternoon.
T.C.: Hey man, it's Friday. I need the fifty bucks to buy a fuel pump for my chopper.
Magnum: Well, all I've got is a twenty.
T.C.: Alright man, that will do for right now.
Magnum: T.C.! You mean you'd let me drive out of here broke?
T.C.: Well that's the way you ALWAYS drive in! The money Thomas.
Magnum: Ok, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll loan you ten until this evening.
T.C.: You'll loan me ten? You OWE me fifty!
Magnum: That's right, which I don't have, so I'll loan you ten to keep you afloat. You can pay me back when I pay you the fifty.
T.C.: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's with this Abbott & Costello routine? - You owe me fifty, you loan me ten? Forget it!
Magnum: Oh, ok. Thanks, I owe you one.
(Magnum drives off)
T.C.: You owe me one? You owe me fifty!!
Magnum: Newton, I'm gonna ask you one more time and then I'm gonna blow your brains out the window.
John W. Newton: Where's the letter to the Post?
Magnum: I got it.
John W. Newton: You give me the letter, I'll give you Laura.
Magnum: No. You give me Laura and then I give you the letter. That's the way it works this time, because I've got the warrant.
(Magnum points Colt .45 at Newton)
Louise Jackson: ...Only because the touch of my hands drives you crazy.
Louise Jackson: I feel it, too. It's the electricity, the chemistry between us. It's overwhelming. It's overpowering. Crushing us together.
(Magnum grabs Louise and pulls her close to him)
Magnum: I don't think you realize how vulnerable we really are. Rick and T.C.... I mean, the one-eyed man.
(whispers) The one-earred man.
Magnum: The one-earred man, of course.
Louise Jackson: I know you're fighting your Code of Honor, but this feeling is just too intense. You can't help yourself... and I can't resist.
(Magnum smiles at the camera, kisses Louise forcefully)
Robin Masters: It was the Paris of Hemingway and Fitzgerald that Mark sought, even though he knew it only existed on celluloid and in the yellowing pages of books. A Paris of absinthe and rainy afternoons and warm women. He concentrated on those images when the pain from the....
(short while later)
A laser beam cut through the night like the singing sword, lighting the black with Merlin-like pyrotechnics. It was at that precise moment that Mark realized Madonna had tried to kill him. It was absurd, but all Mark could think was that the sound of the laser shattering the window was precisely like the tinkle of ice against crystal....
(short while later)
He tried to remember that she had sold the laser chips to Vladimir and because of that he could die, but he couldn't resist her. The soft silk of her gown clinging suggestively to her body seemed to Mark like the label on the bottle of a Lafite Rothschild, which could only hint at the pleasures that lay within.
- narrated passages from an unnamed Robin Masters novel
Higgins: It's been a long day. I think I'm going to turn in early.
Magnum: You sure you wouldn't care to join me in a brandy and soda?
Higgins: No, I... had a whiskey after lunch... I think that perhaps that is sufficient for today.
Mac: Well, look at the bright side of this, there is a positive side. The Navy will release you from active duty just as soon as you testify and Washington is beautiful this time of year, and filled with lovely ladies, just especially for a Navy Commander.
Magnum: I was a Lieutenant.
Mac: Aha, well not any more. The President just promoted you to full Commander...Sir.
Magnum: And they give the condemned man a terrific last meal, too.
Magnum: ...a sumo wrestler and a midget, or a dwarf.
Higgins: A what?
Magnum: A midget, or a dwarf!
Higgins: No bearded lady? No trapeze artists? Where's the rest of the circus?
Magnum: Forget it, just forget it! Just forget the whole thing! I'm NOT in my underwear! There's NO oil on the car!! Just forget it! You think I'm crazy!?!?
Magnum: I want you to think about this logically Higgins. Why is a beautiful, desirable young woman, who can have just about any man in the islands, pursuing you?
Higgins: The answer is obvious, old man. Logic is irrelevant. It's simply...
(smiles) Tropical Madness.
Magnum: One of the cliches of my profession is that to get information from a bartender you have to slip him some bills of various denominations; Bills that you can't afford, with pictures of unfamiliar presidents. And usually for information that isn't worth it. However, this was a special case and I wasn't in the mood for games.
(short time later)
Another cliche about getting information from bartenders, is that no matter how sincere they sound, you know as soon as you're out the door, they're on the phone warning they guy you want to see. And this guy didn't strike me as being particularly different.
Magnum: Nuns don't work on Sunday.
Magnum: And that, as they say, is the hell of it.
Magnum: Even on the redeye it's wonderful flying into Honolulu for a vacation in paradise. But, it's not nearly so wonderful when you're a Private Investigator who's just spent two weeks in Bakersfield on a case and been stiffed by your client. And it's even worse when your ride from the airport didn't show up, and the cab driver's listening to the "Orange Blossom Special".
Magnum: Illusion and reality finally came together. And like I always knew, deep down inside, illusion never really had a chance.
(Roll end credits)
(Higgins is working on a wooden matchstick model of a bridge
Magnum: Don't tell me, the Bridge on the River Kwai!
Higgins: Quite.....I was there you know.
Magnum: I was afraid you were.
Higgins: Nothing like the film. The bridge was bombed, not blown up by some American sailor.
Magnum: Not "some American sailor", William Holden.
Higgins: What are you talking about? He was an actor? Oh, I see...the film. I was glad I escaped before it was destroyed. It had to be done, of course, but I put too much bloody sweat into it to watch it go up.
Ivan: Perhaps I should have killed you at Duc Hue.
Magnum: Why didn't you?
Ivan: Captain Mihael, Nuzo as you know him, and I decided we needed to control T.C.. Without you, he'd never have tried to escape. He would have tried to kill me instead.
Magnum: And you tried to kill me here.
Ivan: Yes, so you would not try to interfere, which you obviously did. My contratulations, Lieutenant.
Magnum: It was all planned, back at Duc Hue?
Ivan: Not specifics, not even target. Just... trigger.
Magnum: How many others are out there like T.C.?
Ivan: You are still schoolboy, Thomas, using schoolboy tricks.
Magnum: No tricks. Whose next on you hitlist? Begin? Thatcher? Reagan?
Ivan: I have plane to catch. If you are going to shoot me, do it now... You won't. You can't. I know you, Thomas. I had you for three months at Duc Hue. I know you better than your mother. Your sense of honor and fair play. Oh, you could shoot me, if I was armed and coming after you. But like this, Thomas, never... Goodbye, Thomas
Magnum: Did you see the sunrise this morning?
Ivan: Yes, why?
(Bam! Magnum kills him with his Colt Government Model .45 ACP Series 70 handgun at close range!)
Magnum: Fate has a nasty way of popping up and waggling it's long, bony finger under your nose. Sometimes it's a squeaker at 70 miles an hour. Sometimes it's a plane you missed that never makes it back from the Bermuda Triangle. But whatever it is, you always get the message: It's time to stop taking your good luck for granted.
Tanaka: Magnum, you stay in the bullpen. Right now, I'm on mound.
(Magnum has just woken up and finds that everything appears to be from the 1930s, including his furniture and clothes)
Magnum: Higgins! Higgins! What the hell did you do to my house?
Higgins: Magnum, old stick, isn't your attire a trifle bizarre, even for you? Even for breakfast?
(looks at what he is wearing): My underwear!? What happened to my underwear?!
Higgins: Probably another lost and sordid night with a chorus girl from the Kit Kat Club. Please stand down wind, I'm sure you simply reek of cheap rye whiskey!
Magnum: What is this? What kind of crazy practical joke are you trying to pull?
Higgins: I? I crazed? My dear fellow, it is not I ranting about the lawn in my BVDs! Now, I suggest a shower and a pot of black coffee.
Magnum: Ok, ok. Enough's enough. Oh, I can take a joke. See...I'm smiling, like a good sport.
Higgins: Magnum, in less than 25 minutes the other members of my croquet club will arrive for practice and brunch. This is our last opportunity for strategy and tactics...
Magnum: Croquet! You short sheet my whole house and you wanna talk about croquet!!
Higgins: Well, what with the frightful unemployment with the Depression, despite the commendable efforts of your President Roosevelt...
Magnum: Oh sure Higgins! Good 'ol FDR! I'm right with ya!
Higgins: The chaps decided that Polo was a bit ostentatious, so we've returned to more proletariat pursuits. Everybody is going to shoulder more...
Magnum: Enough...Enough!...Enough!! This is not funny. Ok, ok, you croquet your hearts out, but hear this ultimatum - Immediately! Immediately!! I want my furniture, my phone, and my shorts!! Back!!!
(Magnum walks away)
Higgins: A lesson lads, cheap whiskey in this heat can rot the brain.
William Troubshaw: Well, well, if it isn't John-John. Long time, old nob. You're looking well... well-fed, that is.
Magnum: Higgins, are you alright?
Higgins: More appropriately, are you? Another torrid night at the "Boom-Boom Room" I presume.
Earl Gianelli: Yeah, the Mag's puttin' me up for a couple of days.
Higgins: The Mag!?... How Magnaminous.
Rick: I think I'm in love!
(Checks watch): Ten minutes to ten. I wondered how long it'd take you to fall in love today.
Agatha: Jonathan! Oh Jonathan, come quickly! Your buns are smoking!
(Magnum is "playing" the saxophone)
Magnum: Hi, Higgins!
Higgins: How fiendishly deceptive of you Magnum. I could have sworn I was hearing the emasculation of a large rodent. To my great surprise, I see the sounds are emanating from what I thought was a harmless musical instrument.
Magnum: Cute Higgins, real cute.
(Magnum plays sax again)
Higgins: Why Magnum? Why do this terrible thing?
Magnum: Higgins, I'll have you know I used to be very good. I was the second best sax player in my High School band.
Higgins: Well how many sax players were there?!
Magnum: ...Anyway, I just saw this in a pawn shop window and thought I'd like to try and get my chops back.
Higgins: May I suggest that your "chops" are irretrievable.
Magnum: Higgins, did you come here just to abuse me!?
(regarding the kids playing basketball on the estate's tennis court)
Higgins: They can do more damage out here then Sherman's men did marching through Georgia!
(Higgins is looking through books and old newspapers in the study)
Magnum: Re-living old campaigns, Higgins?
Higgins: Actually, no. Mr. Masters asked me to do some research for his next novel, a portion of which is set in Hawaii during World War II.
Magnum: It's already been written, Higgins. It's called 'From Here to Eternity' and I think it just about covers it.
Magnum: Higgins, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that you can tell Robin that he doesn't already know - that we havn't laughed about together.
Higgins: The potato chip heiress from Buffalo who filled the tidal pool with...
Magnum: A little misunderstanding, Higgins. After it was drained...
Higgins: And then there is the Romanian mime troop who...
Magnum: You...You're not going to bring that up. I mean, you were there when the paramedics arrived! You know!
Higgins: I will take note of the panic in your voice and those guilt-crazed eyes as a scent to my favor, albeit with the slightest reluctance.
Magnum: Wait a minute! This isn't a favor, this is extortion and blackmail!
Higgins: Cambridge 1947 - Doctor of Mathematics, actually.
Magnum: Higgins, what did you do with your life?! Is there anything you havn't done?! - Anywhere you havn't been? Cambridge...Mathematics!
Higgins: We don't have time now for your rhetorical irrelevances. Who is your prime suspect?
Magnum: I don't have one!
Higgins: Brilliant. Typically, you've failed to do your homework. How Robin could've entrusted you with this is beyond my comprehension.
Magnum: I've always felt at home on the ocean, even as a kid. Maybe that's why I spend so much time alone on it, even on the 4th of July. I know, the Fourth should be spent with your buddies drinking beer, or eating hot dogs at the ballpark, or hoping into a potato sack race with your best girl, or barbequing in the back yard with your folks. Maybe for most Americans, but for me it's been a day to spend alone, to remember. So, here I was all alone on the ocean starting my annual Independance Day remembrance. At least I wouldn't get my fingers blown off by a cherry bomb.
(Magnum is knocked off his surf ski by a reckless boater)
Magnum: I'm gonna make it, dad!
(Luther & Magnum are riding in the Ferrari)
Luther: Don't look so surprised, look what you are driving! How do you expect to lose a "tail" when you stick out like King Kong on the Empire State building?!
Magnum: Like this!
(Magnum downshifts and accelerates away from the tailing car)
Higgins: I say Magnum, you look like bloody hell. Beatin' up again I presume.
Magnum: No, I wasn't beatin' up.
Luther Gillis: He was shot.
Agatha: Oh, Mr. Magnum, are you alright?
Magnum: I'm fine, Agatha. I'm fine. The bullet just creased my forehead.
Luther Gillis: It's just a flesh wound.
Agatha: Perhaps if you'd enrolled in Jonathan's kung fu class you'd be better able to defend yourself.
Magnum: Against bullets?!
T.C.: Pickled-egg, please.
Magnum: T.C., no. Come on, can't you come up with another joke, three days in a row?! Besides, you know I hate fishing those stinking things out, I hate 'em.
T.C.: Pickled-egg, please.
(After much effort, Magnum fishes out a pickled-egg)
Magnum: 59 cents.
T.C.: How stupid of me, I must have forgotten my wallet.
(walks out of the store)
Higgins: You know lads, I sometimes view myself as a later-day Job, constantly being tested by our Creator. How else could I possibly justify four major wars, dozens of minor conflicts, seven natural disasters, and...
Magnum: Aha! Double play Tigers!
Magnum: Oh my god, you're Jerome "Bad Friday" Kapelwitz!
Kapelwitz: Who told you?
Magnum: You just did... that and the way you swung that two by four. I should have known. Lola Stenhauser is married to Jerome "Bad Friday" Kapelwitz.
Kapelwitz: I prefer... ah... Killer.
Magnum: How long you been out of ball, been 4 or 5 years?
Kapelwitz: 6 years, 2 months, 14 days.
Magnum: You were with the White Sox, you hit 35 home runs, but then you quit, because... you...
Kapelwitz: Broke the face of that lousy reporter in Cleveland!
Higgins: Magnum, stop living in the past.
Magnum: Me? Me?! Higgins, you've enshrined yours. You quote every boring war story like it was carved in stone.
Rick: Don't worry, Higgins, I like your stories.
T.C.: Yeah, me too.
Higgins: I do think I tell them with a certain panache.
(Jimmy Norlan [Chuck Mangione
] walks in and starts playing his flugelhorn)
Jimmy Norlan: Charts. Those are the charts I left for Alex...
(more flugelhorn playing)
...You know you're snooping around her dressing room.
(more flugelhorn playing)
Magnum: Look... ah, Mr. Norlan, I...
(more flugelhorn playing)
Jimmy Norlan: I don't know what the two of you were fighting about yesterday. It's really none of my business, but I think that lady has had more than her share of trouble. As long as I'm around, I'm going to make sure nobody bothers her.
(more flugelhorn playing)
Higgins: David was returned to England and the safety of the sanitorium. He very kindly forgave me and we corresponded regularly, happily creating and solving the most complex crimes. Then several months ago I received a most curious letter from him, in part it read: "It's done Watson. I am now convinced my wits have dulled with age. I grant to Moriarty, his victory, but the good fight was waged, eh?" It was signed, most uncharacteristically, David Worth, Wellwood Sanitorium.
Magnum: That's the last time you heard from him?
Higgins: Forgive me for being such a bore that last few days. My obsession
[writing David's story], as you call it. It did seem, however, terribly important to finish it now.
Magnum: He died?
Higgins: Last week. Terribly sad for a man who so loved excitement, simple Pneumonia.
(Magnum walks out)
Magnum: Maybe Thomas Wolfe was right. Maybe you can't go home again....but it sure is hell worth the try.
(points gun at Magnum): Sorry darling. You really are wonderful, but survival is survival.
Magnum: Don't let her kill me Diane.
Diane: Run Thomas, run.
Magnum: I can't Diane....Diane, Diedre's dead.
(Diane shoots the lamp next to Magnum)
Diane: How's that for dead!
Magnum: She's dead. You don't need her to survive.
Magnum: Isn't that what the doctor's told you? You don't need Diedre to survive.
Diane: She can't live without me! I'm the strong one! I've always been the strong one!
Magnum: No...Diane's the strong one. She's the one who lived.
(Fires another shot)
Magnum: Diedre's dead Diane. You can live without her.
Diane: No, I can't. I can't control her. She'll come back, maybe not for years, but she'll come back and when she does, she'll kill you!
Magnum: No, you can get her out of your life forever. We can do it together. I love you.
Diane: I love you.
(Diane cocks gun and points it at her head)
(Diane kills herself)
Higgins: If you're going to drink yourself into a stupor, wouldn't whiskey be more effective?
Magnum: Too hard to keep an even buzz on with whiskey.
Magnum: It's not just Diane! It's Michelle and Mac, Rick's little sister, Dan Cook, the little Vietnamese kid whose name I can't remember....My Dad. All people I loved, or who counted on me, and they're gone.
Higgins: Death is part of life. I know that sounds trite, but the very nature of life means that the older we get, the more loses we can expect. And, if we go to war, or choose a profession such as yours, those loses are going to be higher.
Magnum: Look, Higgins. I know you are trying to help and I appreciate it, I really do. I know this isn't going to solve anything, I know I'm being morose, and stupid, but I just don't give a damn.
T.C.: You know, there's that smell again. It's smells kinda funny, like old gym shorts. You smell it Thomas?
T.C.: It's gettin' worse. It smells like old brussel sprouts.
Magnum: Ok! Ok! Ok...It's me. Some guy gave me this sample of "Patchismo" cologne.
T.C.: "Patchismo" col...Is this the same guy that gave you the "PatWax"?
Magnum: Yes, and I put some on and now I can't wash it off.
T.C.: Man, you should have smelled that stuff before you put it on.
Magnum: It doesn't smell like anything. It's supposed to take on your own natural scent.
T.C.: Heh, boy if that's your own natural scent you've got a serious problem.
Magnum: Look, will you stop it please and help me find William Daniels!
T.C.: Yeah, sure. You just stay down wind.
Magnum: I believe you gotta pray to God as if you couldn't get anything done without him... and then you go about doing it as if he doesn't exist.
Higgins: This morning I came to a startling and horrifying realization. Since your arrival at Robin's Nest, you have insidiously eroded away my sense of diligence. Security has fallen completely apart. The grounds are in a terrible state of negelect. This guest house should be condemned.
Magnum: It doesn't look so bad.
Higgins: The estate is completely overrun with your good-for-nothing friends, sleazy clients and unexpected guests.
Magnum: That is not true!
(Carol enters guest house)
Carol: Hi Thomas. The gate was open, so I just came on in.
(Magnum hangs head)
"Dungeon Master" Game: Warning, there is a Red Dragon behind this door.
Magnum: Turn left six paces.
"Dungeon Master" Game: Oops, passageway blocked. Try again.
Magnum: Ok then, turn right.
"Dungeon Master" Game: False exit. There is a trap door two steps in front of you.
Magnum: Cmon, I've been trapped in this corridor for over two hours....Ok, secret door.
"Dungeon Master" Game: Wrong again. You have used all of your warning wands. One more wrong choice will unleash a White Demon. Hurry Magnum, or you will forfeit the game.
Magnum: Calm down you little turkey. Give me some time to think.
"Dungeon Master" Game: The Dungeon Master says you have 10 seconds
... (counts down to zero)... Too late, you lose!
Magnum: Drop dead!!!!
(Robin Masters' Dracos III computer system crashes!)
Magnum: It's you. That is not Sally talking, it's Jonathan Higgins, or Henry Higgins.
Higgins: I beg your pardon.
Magnum: You're doing to Sally exactly what Rex Harrison did to Audrey Hepburn - My Fair Lady. You're using her as a guinea pig for your own self-indulgant experiment.
Higgins: If there were a comparison to be made it would be what Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree did to Mrs. Patrick Campbell in the G.B. Shaw classic Pygmalion, but there isn't. I'm simply trying to help Sally have what she desires, Mr. Timothy Finch.
Carol: You know ... sometimes ... you remind me of my father.
(shakes head) I guess it's just the way the light reflects off the armor.
Magnum: Night blindness.
(widens eyes, glaces towards the bedroom)
Magnum: There's only one cure for it...
(steps closer) Sleep, and the harsh reality that comes with it in the daylight.
Carol: You sure?!
(smiles, walks away)
Jean Claude: Stop! Wait! Right there!
Jean Claude: Your eyes!
Carol: My eyes?
Jean Claude: Oui! Your eyes!
Magnum: What's wrong with them?
Jean Claude: Nothing. They are exquisite under the light...right there.
Carol: What's he talking about?
Magnum: Your eyes.
Jean Claude: The way they set perfectly in your delicately sculptured face. The way your mahogany orbs so fetchingly...
Magnum: Mahogany orbs?
Carol: Don't interrupt!
Magnum: Mahogany orbs?
Carol: He's being poetic. Like Milton or Keats.
Jean Claude: Yes. Like Milton or Keats. I'm sorry. I have so much trouble with your language.
Higgins: My God, what is that odor?!
T.C.: Higgy-Baby, you're talking about my Uncle Roland's original, Creole, flaming, bayou-blaster, chilli. Wanna try a little taste?
Higgins: Not without a paramedic in attendance.
Goldie Morris: Remember back in high school when I campaigned to outlaw football games? Remember?
Magnum: Yes, I remember. You felt that football was uncivilized, that it encouraged students to acts of violence, rather than rational, intellectual discussions. So, at halftime, during the Homecoming game, you... burned down the goalposts.
Goldie Morris: It was a symbolic act.
Magnum: We had to forfeit the game!!
Goldie Morris: I couldn't get them to listen any other way!
Magnum: There's something hypnotic about the climate in Hawaii; every day it's sunny and 80 degrees, every day there are gentle trade winds to take the edge of the humidity, every day... Until the Kona Winds come up. The Kona Winds come from the south, from somewhere in the vastness of the Pacific Ocean, as they travel toward the unprotected chain of islands sitting vulnerable in the huge expanse of water, they pick up power, and speed, and force, finally crashing into the scattered pits of land. But the Kona Winds do more than whip the sea into a frenzy, they stir the blood and tear at the emotions, thrusting even temperate men into destinies they may later regret. I've always felt drawn to the land's end to watch the winds come in, as if I were somehow... part of the drama.
Magnum: It matters. It matters, because sometimes you get to a point where easy rationalizations don't cut it anymore. There's gotta be a place where you stop and examine your life, and if it isn't right then maybe you just gotta say no, and no more, ... or stop looking in the mirror.
Magnum: I'm not really sure which kind of private investigator I am. The Holmesian-type with the constant deductive mind, or one with a Marlowe-type intuitive sense of the darker side of human nature? Hopefully a combination of both. At any rate, it doesn't matter. Not when you have a "little voice". I don't know, maybe a gently nagging "little voice" is just another way of adding what you know, to what you feel, but right now mine wasn't "gently nagging". It was screaming.
Magnum: You know, a long time ago, before you were born, somebody I love very much went away... like grandpaw. And I didn't want him to go... so you know what I did?... I pretended he really wasn't gone. I just figured he had to come back someday if I really believed hard enough. And as time went on, and he didn't come back, I started getting real mad. I got mad at everybody who knew him, because I figured it was their fault he went away.
Billy: Was it?
Magnum: No, it wasn't anybody's fault.
Billy: He didn't come back?
Magnum: No... And the sad part is... I was so busy being mad that I never had a chance to tell him goodbye.
Billy: I don't know how to say goodbye.
Magnum: I don't either... Maybe we could figure out a way together.
(Magnum & Billy climb down from the treehouse)
Billy: Goodbye, grandpaw! Goodbye!... Goodbye.
(Billy cries and hugs Magnum)
Admiral Hawkes: "Roll on, thou deep and dark blue Ocean - roll! Ten thousand fleets sweep over thee in vain; Man marks the earth with ruin - yet his control stops at the shore."
Magnum: Lord Byron.
Admiral Hawkes: Some things never seem to change.
Magnum: "The Man doesn't choose the Sea, the Sea chooses the Man."
Admiral Hawkes: Who said that?
Magnum: I'm not sure. I heard it from my dad.
Higgins: I have studied Aristotle, Socrates, Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, Bertrand Russell. I have toured college campuses debating the virtues of dialectic versus symbolic syllogism. I have written scholarly articles for the need for a new, more dynamic logic. But nothing in my life has prepared me for the workings of the Thomas Magnum mind.
Magnum: I'm not buying it Higgins. You, as a second banana in a military dictatorship?!
Magnum: After the first time I was wounded in Vietnam, I'd noticed a weird series of reactions to being shot. I'd wondered if anybody had ever written them down like Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' "Stages of Death". First, there's denial. Then comes a giddy kind of relief, shock and surprise at still being alive. All the senses working together in Technicolor and Hi-Fi at the joy of actually having survived. And then, the paranoia sets in. If it's happened once, it can happen again. Suddenly, every sound is an approaching enemy, every smell a lethal gas, and no way of knowing whether it's a mind game, or a clear and present danger. And no way of stoping the heart racing, the palms sweating, until the paranoia stage has slipped into revenge.
Higgins: Thanks to you, my final practice session was wasted on the "Uncle Lyle Blitz".
Magnum: The "Castle Blitz" and you can make all the fun of it you want, but you couldn't beat it, could you?
Higgins: Only because it was so idiotically infantile, it caught me off guard!
Magnum: Wait, wait ... wait, wait, what about my tickets to Dave Brubeck?
Higgins: Your "wins" are invalid! You were to use maneuvers of my choice! Now, if you wish to renegiotiate.
Magnum: Tell me a story. The Gunga Din Story!
Higgins: For god sake Magnum, this is hardly the time!...
Magnum: If you're Higgins, anytime is the time! The "Gunga Din Story", now!
Higgins: Malaysia, 1943. Our regiment was hopelessly outnumbered and faced certain death. In our ranks was a young Lt. Ian Bowerly and during a lull in the battle he recited "Gunga Din". I suppose to keep up our courage in face of the inevitable. His eloquent recitation grew increasingly louder until it thundered through the jungle. To our amazement, the Japanese troops walked forward. Although they spoke no English they were entranced by the poem. They allowed us all to leave the area unharmed except for poor Mr. Bowerly. As we made our escape we could hear him reciting other Kipling favorites, literally for miles. To this day, his fate remains unknown.
Magnum: Thank you. I believe your half brother is going to assassinate the president of Costa De Rosa.
(Magnum receives an award from the "Cat Admirers Society" for saving a drowning cat)
Magnum: ...Anyway, I never had a cat for a pet. I never did. I don't what happened, but I had this cousin Claude, and he had this long-haired Persian
(smiles). We used to play this great game with him on the kitchen linoleum. We called it "Spin the Cat".
(laughs) See, you'd take the cat
(chuckles) and you'd spin him around, about eight or ten times. Then see, you'd just slide him down the kitchen floor, all the way to the door
(laughs). You should see the cat when he tries to walk back to you
(laughs). It's great!
(stunned silence from the "Cat Lovers" crowd) Oh, it didn't hurt the cat. I mean, he, no, he liked the game. No, honest. He loved it. He loved it! He used to try to get us to play it with him, all the time.
(short time later, walking back to the car)
Agatha: Well, I wouldn't feel so badly Mr. Magnum. Actually, parts of your speech were quite amusing.
Magnum: Let's face it Agatha, it was a disaster.
Agatha: Well, look at it this way. Each person is only alloted so many times to fall on his face in his lifetime. Now, you have one less.
(puzzled look) Thanks.
Magnum: What do you want from me?
(laughs) Don't you know? You're supposed to catch me. You're supposed to ... stop me from slicing up #2 and #3.
Magnum: Well, you blew it. #2 was supposed to be last night.
(laughs) Oh no, no, no, no, no Magnum. You blew it. #2 was last night.
Magnum: What are you talkin' about?
"The Ripper": And I think you are going to love #3. Riddle me this. What has four legs in the morning, and two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?
(hangs up phone)
Magnum: I've heard this. A man, the answer is a man.
(hangs up phone)
(que up Genesis' "Mama" as Magnum begins to look for The Ripper's next victim)
Magnum: Saigon. April 30, 1975. No matter how hard I tried, I could never put that day completely out of my mind. A chaotic ending to a chaotic time. A war that kept changing, even in retrospect. And every time I thought I'd put it behind me, it crept up, and tapped me on the shoulder.
Michelle: Goodbye, Thomas.
Magnum: ...Is Lily my daughter?
Michelle: If I say, "yes, she is your daughter", Thomas, would you let her go?... I promise she will never forget you. I will see to that... And will you promise me something?
(shakes head yes)
Michelle: When the world is a different place.
(Michelle & Lily walk away)
(Lily runs back to hug Magnum and returns to Michelle)
(roll closing credits)
Higgins: You still haven't explained you're knowledge of lifts.
Magnum: And you still haven't expl-
(the lift gives a sudden jolt) ... explained why you're here. I still say you know more than you're telling. What happened Higgins, did Nahli double-cross you, too?
Higgins: I came to find my stolen Ferrari.
Magnum: Oh that's it! Ha! Ha. That settles it!
Higgins: Settles what?
Magnum: You said YOUR Ferrari. Again. You have done that one too many times!
Higgins: I meant Mister Master's Ferrari.
Magnum: No you didn't. You do lie about yourself, it all adds up; the writing, the little "my" slips of the tongue...
Higgins: What on earth are you talking about?
Magnum: The big lie Higgins, admit it! You're Robin; YOU, are Robin Masters!
(laughing): I-I'm laughing at the sheer absurdity of the accusation.
Magnum: No, no, no, you're laughing, because you're trapped. YOU have NEVER laughed like this. Now admit it. You've spent all these years,pretending to be Robin's employee, because you didn't want anybody to know that you write cheap pulp novels.
(laughing wildy): And who, may I ask, is the man we know and address as Robin Masters?
Magnum: I don't know, some little guy with a voice like Orson Welles and a body like Truman Capote, that you hired to pose as Robin. And it was very interesting casting. You weren't satisfied with the nom de plume. You developed this whole persona, to create the kind of playboy you envisioned writing cheap pulp, so YOU could devote yourself to serious writing.
(laughing hysterically): Oh... please... I can't stand it!
Magnum: You can't stand the truth. Oh come on please, I remember ALL the little slip ups, like the time Robin called you Sir. And why is it, that you know exactly when he's going to call, and exactly what he's going to say. I mean, why does Jonathan Quayle Higgins get these very legal looking letters from Robin's publishing company?
(continuing to laugh hysterically): Well... occasionally, Mister Masters asks me to look over minor documents for him.
Magnum: Minor documents? Checks, contracts, approvals for galley sheets...
(suddenly more serious): You steamed open my mail?
Magnum: Ah-ha! YOUR mail!?
(they are interrupted by a demolition siren)
(During a shootout at the estate)
Magnum: Higgins, where are the dogs?
Higgins: At the kennel, for a grooming.
Magnum: Great, you picked today to give them a haircut?!
Higgins: I had no way of knowing you and me would be fighting the Alamo this afternoon. Really Magnum, you had no right to involve Robin Masters estate in your clandestine affairs.
(short time later, several books are "shot up")
Higgins: O. Henry 1st edition destroyed! Balzac barely spared!
Magnum: It was from a different war, a different age of aircraft. This P-40 and the Navy Panther Jet my Dad flew had little in common as combat machinery, but the pilots who manned them weren't machines. Looking down on Pearl or on Korea, they probably shared a dream of finally going home, and they also shared a moment in common when they knew they weren't going to. I guess that was my main reason for coming up here. The plane had obviously been shot down, probably during the Pearl Harbor Attack. Had the pilot survived, or been found or rescued? Had he died in the cockpit, or tried to get off the mountain? I didn't know, but maybe figuring out the answer would help resolve some questions I never wanted to ask about another pilot and a summer day in Korea.
Magnum: My grandfather was one of the world's great collectors. He collected souvenirs, stamps and friends, but his prized collection was a stack of uncirculated currency, all silver certificates, all two-dollar bills. On my 13th birthday, he gave me one of them and told me to read the serial number. It was my birthdate, and in time it became my "Lucky Two". I'd carried it with me ever since ... until last night.
Sgt. Michael Doheny: She was my granddaughter! You slimy bastard! You beat her face to a pulp. You broke her body down to nothin' and then you threw her in an alley to die. And I'm gonna do the same thing to you.
(begin ass kickin'!)
Magnum: A cogent note about Walter Pidgeon, not the actor, my cousin Rainy's pet bird. One summer, Walter got out of the house, onto the deck. He would have flown away except there was a glass partition he couldn't get through. He kept trying and trying, but he kept hitting up against the glass. Now, two feet to the left, and two feet to the right, the partition ended, but he couldn't see the obvious, that there was a glass wall in front of him. The difference between me and Walter Pidgeon was I had finally seen the wall that Frank Foley had thrown up in front of me and I was taking two steps to the left to get around it
... (short time later) ... One last thought about Walter Pidgeon and the "glass wall". I'd always wondered what would have happened if "Old Walter" had gone around the partition and found his freedom. What would he have done with it? Maybe it was better that he never knew what was beyond the wall?
Magnum: I love this place ... I don't know how you knew to come here, but maybe I know why ... I've always liked to be up here alone.
(deep breath) You can breathe better here. Slow down a little bit. Try to get things into focus. Try to figure out what it is you need to do ... I love you Michelle. More than anyone I've ever known ... and I'm letting you go.
(cue up John Denver's "Looking For Space")
(Magnum is about to kill Quang Ki with a 2x4)
(T.C. enters warehouse doorway)
T.C.: Thomas!! ... There's another way, man.
Magnum: If this keeps up, I'm afraid I'll have no alternative but to call Robin.
Higgins: I see, so there IS a Robin Masters when YOU need him!!
(after learning that Magnum is going to let her tag along on his case)
Rita Parker: This is so great! Do you supply a gun, or should I bring my own?
Magnum: I've always loved baseball. I think it has more of the American character than any other sport. It's competitive without being cutthroat. It's basically simple, but capable of incredible complexity. Baseball is played in parks. It has no clock except for the eternal rhythm of each individual game. This gives it thrilling bursts of action and moments of leisurely tranquility. All-in-all, I'm convinced that baseball represents one of man's noblest endeavors.
T.C.: We are always pleased when you select Island Hoppers tours, because our ultimate goal is to create those special memories that make the Hawaiian Islands truly a land of mystic enchantment. There's no better way to see the wonders of Hawai'i than from an Island Hoppers helicopter. Your tour is in the hands of a skilled and experienced pilot. So sit back.. and enjoy the scenery.
The "Letters to Lily" Narrations
Magnum: Dear Lily Catherine, Well, it's another beautiful day in paradise. I woke up this morning and thought about taking you up to the top of the Koolau's, where you can see the ocean everywhere you look. I wonder if you can see the ocean from where you are now? I wonder where you are now? And I guess if you could read this, you would wonder why I've taken to writing you letters. Letters I have no idea where to send since the Navy gave you and your mother new names and a new life. I don't really know myself, except that writing them somehow makes me feel a little closer to you. Somehow, I know I will see you again. I hope that you and your mama are well and happy. I think of you everyday.
(short while later)
... I wish I could tell you that the world is a safe and loving place, that the "Bogey Man" is only a figment of your imagination, and that I could protect you from anything bad that should ever come you way. I wish I could tell you that nobody could ever hurt you, but that wouldn't be the truth.
(short while later, after he believes Michelle and Lily are dead)
... Dear Lily Catherine, I guess I never really told you all the things I wanted to do with you, places I've thought about showing you, books I've thought about giving you to read, the christmas mornings I thought we'd share, the graduation from high school. I guess, even the arguments we would have if you were still here, close to me. I've just lived on blind faith that we would do all of those things, somehow.
(short while later)
... I'd been thinking about how much you'd changed since the first time I saw you at five years old and six years old, and I'd been wondering what you had looked like on your seventh birthday. It's funny, I can't quite see you. I wish your mom could have sent me a picture, but I have pictures of you in my head. Pictures of things we havn't done together, ice skating in Rockefeller Center, snorkeling in Hanauma Bay, cheering and screaming at Tiger Stadium. And those "pictures" are as clear to me as if they actually happened.
(short while later, after deciding not to kill Quang Ki, and, in turn, save a POW)
... And so, Lily Catherine, even though I know you will never read this, I needed to write this to tell you I once did something I think would have made you proud.
Higgins: The "Legend" is well documented. The "Ancients" did exist; a highly advanced culture, diminutive in stature, gargantuan in intellect! And the "Lost Art" scroll may contain solutions to maladies that have plagued man for centuries!
Magnum: I guess the earliest memory I have of my grandfather Sullivan is the kind of heart-to-heart talk we had while walking by the Rappahannock River when I was six years old. We used to hunt for wild asparagus down by the river to take home to my mom to cook for dinner. Anyway, on this particular walk my grandfather confided in me that probably the only thing you can count on in life is change .... that no matter how much you wanted things to stay the same they never did, and that change itself wasn't bad. It's just that, the transitions were sometimes tricky. Well, I'm not sure what he was talking about at the time. I was more interested in the asparagus than transition, but I never forgot it. And I guess if there is one thing that I could in some way pass on, it would be my grandfathers advice - don't be afraid of "transitions", they make you strong.
(short while later)
... Another thing my grandfather told me about change is that it doesn't always come along at a convenient time. In fact, it usually happens when you are right in the middle of doing something else, and that it's important to finish up whatever it is you are doing, even if it begins to feel like "dull routine". Because it's HOW you make the transitions that's as important as making them. At least, that's what I think he said.
Higgins: Magnum, remember what I told you about Robin Masters?
Higgins: I lied.
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