Writer: Mary Lee Gaylor
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Magnum, Higgins, T.C. & Rick
Princess Sari Kovacs, Jozsef Kovacs, Pista, Joska, Aranyka, Gypsy Fortune Teller, Ralph Spinney, Jeanie Spinney, Thug #1, Thug #2
Hungary (Fortune Teller's Place of Business), King Kamehameha Club (Beach Bar), Oahu Highway, Gypsy Parlor, Vacant Lot, Robin's Nest
(Main House, Guesthouse, Entrance Gate, Lawn, Higgins Study)
Magnum - He narrates a childhood experience with a fortune teller who predicted someone he loved would die. He didn't pay any attention until two weeks later when his dog Joey was hit by a truck and died.
Magnum - He once spent four days on the beach with a Swedish model.
Higgins - 1944, The Urals
. He "ran across a caravan of vagabond gypsies who seemingly had lost their usually good sense of direction ...."
fortune teller's place of business in Hungary, very typically fortune-teller-wise gaudily decorated, rather trashy-style, atmospheric music playing. Low, round table in the center of the room, plush cushions on the floor around it, a pretty, but flashy, fortune teller and two typical tourists from Omaha, Nebraska in attendance, wife all thrilled to be there, husband definitely less so and with a camera taking pictures. The fortune teller is going through the usual trance stuff and missing on all the details, of course. Pan to a door in the room and then showing behind the door a young man we find out is the fortune teller's brother. There's a lot of video and audio equipment, but the brother is reading an old National Geographic
magazine and playing Donkey Kong
at the same time. We're looking at the magazine over his shoulder and he turns a page to show the Gypsy King with all the faithful but before we see details of the picture, Donkey Kong requires his attention so he turns to that.
Back out to the fortune teller and the tourists, two thugs burst in looking around. They knock the fortune teller aside and dash through the door to the back room, attempt to grab the brother who evades them initially with acrobatic flips and moves, the fight moves back into the main room. Two against one finally overcome the gymnastic moves and the thugs drag the brother out, the tourists are just watching open-mouthed, the fortune teller hurls the crystal ball at the thugs in attempt to hurt/stop them, it misses and crashes to the ground and breaks.
Sweeping up of glass and pan back
It's on the floor at the outside bar at the KKC, apparently just a broken bar glass, and pan up to Rick and T.C. sitting at a table. Rick is holding the sports page and starts raving about how he's been winning with the help of his new girlfriend, with whom he's REALLY in love this time, again, this is "the one". T.C. is claiming he's just lucky guessing. Rick defends his new girlfriend's talent as Magnum comes in and starts hearing the story. We find out the Girlfriend's name is Princess Sari (Magnum says, "Princess Sorry??"
) and that she's a gypsy princess and she should be there any minute. Magnum wants to miss this introduction but Rick talks him into sticking around.
The front of the KKC
Sari shows up in a lavendar Lincoln Continental with godawful red interior, gold ball fringe decoration on the front windshield. She is dressed exotically but fashionably, obviously the fortune teller look, but not as totally brazen. She enters the club to the turning of many heads. She is lovely, though different for Hawaii.
Rick, T.C., and Magnum
Rick hems and haws through telling them that she is related to the troup of Hungarian acrobats they have already battled. They discuss that they recall the brother, Jozsef, the prince of the gypsies who "picked up tables with his teeth."
T.C. says he remembers reading of the father's death.
Enter Sari, who greets Rick a la Zsa Zsa Gabor
-style, and asks if his leg is now better "after last night."
T.C. is very curious to find out why Rick's leg should be bothering him after last night. Sari is introduced to T.C. and Magnum, and Magnum comments he recalls Jozsef had a sister and asks after Jozsef, at which time Sari informs them that Jozsef was kidnapped a year ago and they are presuming he is dead. Bleak mood descends on the group, and Sari advises that there is no new king of the gypsies, that hasn't been determined yet. Then the mood shifts as she hands Rick her predictions for that night's ball games. Magnum is skeptical, of course; she challenges him to come to her parlor that evening for a reading.
A night scene of Magnum driving the Ferrari down the highway
He narrates a childhood experience with a fortune teller who predicted someone he loved would die. He didn't pay any attention until two weeks later his dog Joey was hit by a car and died.
Inside a Gypsy parlor, which this time is more like a computer room
Sari is printing "predictions" from the computer. Magnum pooh-poohs this method and she leads them to a back room decorated just like the room in the opening, kidnap scene. They all sit on the cushions around the table, and Sari starts talking about Magnum's spending "many nights" ("It was four days!"
) with a Swedish model on the beach. T.C. accuses Magnum of lying about this when he told them he was working a case, Magnum defends it as a "case of sorts"
in that he was helping her find a ring she "lost on the beach." Rick points out, how did Sari know about it then? Magnum complains that he thought the crystal ball was to tell the future, not the past; and Sari responds that it knows all and that Magnum should be a believer "after what happened to Joey."
Magnum is stunned but recovers when she starts talking about his being in great danger, surrounded by many of her people, shouting at him (He says, "Yeah, give me your wallet."
). Gypsy music, which had been low in the background since they entertained the gaudy parlor, starts building to a crescendo. She appears to be amazed at the future for Magnum that she is seeing, "it's impossible!"
She starts crying and announces that tomorrow he will "meet
Magnum in bed the next morning (gypsy music playing low again)
He wakes, rolls over, looks at the clock - 6:15 a.m., narration says he likes early morning as much as anyone but getting up at 6:15 on a Sunday morning is not what he wants this day, and he is interrupted in his burrowing under the covers and going back to sleep by loud pounding on the door, which continues until he gives up, gets up, grabbing his pants, struggling to get them on and fastened as he goes from the bedroom, up the stairs, to the door and snatches it open to how Higgins, now standing there beating on empty space, but the gypsy music has become much louder now with the door open. Higgins, very irritated, insists that Magnum come with him. He leads him to the gate of the estate, outside of which is standing a crowd, a virtual riot of gypsies, singing, chanting, doing acrobatics, gypsy band playing, they have all their possessions with them, including goats, chickens, ducks, etc.. As Higgins and Magnum approach and Higgins points out the group, the group starts chanting "Rom Baro" again and again and pointing at Magnum. Higgins looks puzzled and explains it's a term of great respect, a leader, well, a king. Fade.
Higgins is insisting Magnum do something to make them go away - "What must the neighbors think??"
Magnum points out there are no neighbors. Magnum finally approaches the gate to find out what is going on and is told by the leader, who name is Pista, that Magnum is now their new king, as determined by the fact that Magnum's late father was the "great, great grandson of a full-blooded gypsy descended from the last, exalted line of Romany gypsy kings . . . may his exalted feet never be nailed to the ground."
This last phrase is used every time someone dead is mentioned. All during this exchange, every time "Rom Baro" is mentioned, the crowd starts going wild again with the band, the jumping acrobats, etc.. This goes back and forth.
Then a handsome young man comes out from the group and claims he should be king, not Magnum. He does some back flips to indicate how gypsy-like he really is, challenges Magnum on doing the same, Magnum admits he can't, young man says, then, see? he should be king, Magnum says, fine, you be king. Pista says, no, Magnum is the real Rom Baro (band again). Joska, the young man, hurls a knife at Magnum - the usual thwang as it hits a tree beside his head. Joska says, "see, he can't catch the knife."
Magnum, slightly unnerved, tells them for heaven's sake, LET Joska be the king. Pista insists Magnum is the rightful king and then turns to the crowd, indicating they should show Magnum the next step, the crowd parts, there is a lovely 15-year-old girl, to whom Magnum finds out he is now betrothed. Crowd goes wild again, Joska yells stop this time. Also, every time the crowd quiets down, there is always one "final word" by an animal sound - goat bleat, duck quack. This "I don't want to be your king" and "but you are the king whether you want to me or not" goes on for a while till Higgins gets fed up and tells Magnum if he is the king, then send them away. So he does, and they grumble but walk away, with children looking forlornly and accusingly back at him. Joska sums it up before he walks away with "See what you have done to my people. I spit on your name"
and spits on the ground.
Higgins and Magnum in the study
Higgins is studying books to research how Magnum could be the king, though he keeps chuckling about it, Magnum continues to deny it, Higgins launches into one of his stories about how he met gypsies "back in '44 when I had occasion to be in the Urals where I ran across a caravan of vagabond gypsies who seemingly had lost their usually good sense of direction . . . . "
Magnum interrupts he is NOT a gypsy, Higgins looks at him studiously and comments that he doesn't know, ". . . the light eyes, the dark hair . . . ."
Magnum claims genealogy papers will prove he's not a gypsy, Sari strides in with "Gypsies have no papers. We have blood."
Zeus and Apollo obviously adore her. Magnum introduces her to Higgins. Higgins challenges how she got in, she responds with the casual shrug, "I am a gypsy."
Higgins asks if SHE thinks Magnum is really her king. She responds that gypsies do not travel thousands of miles to sit on a beach. What is her proof? She grabs his face and squeezes his cheeks like a grandmother, "This is my proof."
Then slams her fist to her chest. "And here!"
Then says to Magnum, "Now come, your people need you."
Magnum in Ferrari driving somewhere
Voice over narration of how Sari said Pista needs him so he can't turn Pista down, so . . . . .
A vacant lot obviously camped in by the band of gypsies
Here we go through the usual guilt trip of how Magnum is neglecting his people, they have to climb palm trees to get milk to feed their babies, the police are going to haul them all in for vagrancy unless their Rom Baro saves them.
Higgins: "Oh my GOD!"
Gypsies camped on the estate front yard
Joska throws daggers in practice, a juggler is juggling glass balls very high and Pista is shooting them out of the air like skeet shooting. Higgins is berating Magnum, they walk past the tennis court, one acrobat is tightrope-walking the tennis net. Magnum insists it's only for a few days, Higgins asks him what he thinks will happen the lawn in a few days, with all these animals and people with no good sanitary habits there, and Magnum responds, "Turn yellow?"
Magnum agrees to talk to them, but it seems first he needs a little peace and quiet so he starts down to the tidal pool, sees his surf ski lying beside a tree, bends down to upright it, and, of course, another knife flies right by his head and thwang into a tree. Magnum snatches it and storms back to the gypsy came, where he finds Joska and accuses him of throwing it. Usual chest-banging talk here, ("it was stolen", "if I wanted you dead, you would be", "I wouldn't hide to throw a knife at you, only cowards would do that", "then you are a coward"
) Big oohs and aahs from the crowd. Joska picks up a chicken and hands it to Magnum, in essence issuing to Magnum the "challenge of the chicken"
, which is explained by Pista with the usual crowd "Greek chorus" accompaniment, established by dead gypsy kings through the age, "may their feet never be nailed to the ground."
It turns out it is not a fight to the death, but a fight "of honor," simply of first blood drawn. The duelists each have the end of a long scarf in their mouths, a dagger in hand, and then dance around "tied" to each other by the scarf until the first one to nick the other and draw blood wins the duel.
Fade in the beach bar at the KKC the next morning
Magnum is explaining the duel to Rick and T.C.. Rick asks if the duel was supposed to take place at the crack of dawn, Magnum responds that Pista told him the gypsies aren't up then, it's supposed to take place "at the crack of 10:30, maybe 11."
Rick and T.C. are saying that Magnum is as crazy as the gypsies, Sari enters as Rick says something to this effect, he's caught calling his Girlfriend crazy, but she ignores that and asks how his shoulder is this morning. T.C. tries again to find out what happened to Rick last night, is ignored. Rick and Sari go through a little riff of does he not believe in her beliefs, e.g., that Magnum is king, so he must fight. She asks why Rick isn't wearing the outfit she gave him.
The Guesthouse, at night
Magnum asleep on the sofa as the TV goes to the National Anthem and then to no program, snow, static. Then a figure creeps toward Magnum in the dark - the lights blast on and Higgins comes down the stairs with a gun trained on the intruder. Who is revealed to be - the kidnapped Jozsef!!
It is now explained that Sari and Jozsef have hired Magnum to find out who had him kidnapped so he couldn't be king and so Magnum is posing as king so an attempt will be made on him and they can find out who is behind it all. Higgins asks, if Jozsef was kidnapped, how did he escape? He calmly explains that he did it by killing his kidnappers, which was unfortunate because he couldn't ask them who hired them but the good news is that they couldn't then report back to the head honcho that he had escaped. The "who is behind it" is discussed and Jozsef says he can't be Joska or he could have simply challenged Jozsef with the chicken. So they have to go through with the duel.
The next morning, where the duel is taking place on the beach near the tidal pool
Joska and Magnum are doing this ridiculous scarf-in-the-mouth duel, where Joska is definitely getting the better of Magnum with all his acrobatic jumps and moves to avoid a nick that Magnum keeps trying to inflict, but Magnum is good on defense and doesn't get nicked either. T.C., Sari, and Rick, now wearing a horrendous gyspy outfit, are watching, along with the band of gypsies, yelling and cheering. T.C. is ridiculing Rick's outfit, with good cause, and Higgins approaches and defends the outfit, saying he was given one himself when . . . . Magnum is still not doing well in the fight and Rick says Magnum has royal blood, "he can take this guy."
Just then Joska does fantastic jumping move, leaps over the scarp, cuts it in half, stuffs the end of the suddenly now short scarf in his mouth and lunges at Magnum. We hear T.C. say, "No, he can't."
Magnum, in sudden concern, looks to Higgins for assistance, Higgins starts giving fencing type advice to Magnum. Finally Joska performs a few more leaps and jumps, grabs the scarf, brings Magnum's face close to him - and Magnum knees him hard in the chest, hurling him back into the tidal pool, whereupon it is revealed that in falling Joska has cut his hand with his own knife - so Magnum wins! Magnum asks, "Is that fair?"
It's obvious, he isn't sure he wanted to win, but he doesn't want Joska to have to be banished. But Joska howls and runs off down the beach. Pista takes over, telling everyone that now Magnum is really Rom Baro so now the wedding can be held! Here a quibbling scene that we know will lead to us to finding out that Magnum has to marry the 15-year-old the next day.
Evening, in the study at Robin's Nest
Higgins at the desk, Jozsef seated in front of the desk, Magnum pacing. Magnum is ranting and raving about how he can't go through with the wedding, Higgins reassures him that he doesn't have to worry, he's sure an attempt on Magnum's life will be made before he has to go through with the wedding. Magnum isn't exactly thrilled with this alternative, but Higgins again reassures him that even though Magnum thinks he'll be a sitting duck, Higgins will "kill" Magnum before the assassin can get to Magnum.
The next morning, outside in the yard of the estate
Higgins is attaching a 6x6 board to Magnum's chest (Magnum is dressed in typical Magnum-wear but a little dressier wedding attire, but not gypsy attire - Higgins is wearing HIS godawful gypsy outfit), which supposedly will prevent the arrow from the crossbow Higgins is going to shoot Magnum with from actually harming Magnum, but he can fake his death. Magnum questions Higgins' skill at shooting him directly on the board, and Higgins, of course, demonstrates his skill by having Magnum throw a coconut up into the air, which Higgins promptly skewers with an arrow from the crossbow - we believe - because the thwack of the arrow hitting the coconut is suddenly transformed to the banging of a tambourine as the wedding ceremony in the estate yard begins. Typical wedding feast scene, singing, dancing, hyper, celebrating gypsies. Gradual pulling back of dancers until we see a circle of about ten girls holding hands and dancing in a circle, in the middle of which is the 15-year-old. She is quite lovely. One of the dancing girls holds high a red scarf/veil.
Rick and Sari arriving for the wedding
Rick dressed in an even WORSE gypsy outfit. They approach T.C., who is standing alone, watching the festivities, and T.C. says to Rick, "Get away from me with that suit."
Sari reassures Rick that he looks wonderful and again inquires about, this time, the condition of his neck, again piquing T.C.'s curiosity.
Magnum approaching them
T.C. asks if Magnum is really going through with this, Magnum confirms he is, T.C. protests "she's only 15!"
Sari chimes in that she had already been married three times at that age, cut to startled look on Rick's face. It's obvious Magnum and Sari need to talk first, so T.C. turns to Rick, "Come on, Zsa-Zsa, let's go get a good seat."
Magnum and Sari discuss how they're going to do this, with Jozsef hidden in the crowd:
Sari: "See, in the crowd, the man with the red beard and green pants?"
Magnum: "That's Jozsef?"
Sari: "No, no, that's my third cousin Mikel. Jozsef is the old woman standing next to him ..."
Sari explains the ceremony, the girl enters the circle, Magnum enters the circle, the red scarf/veil is dropped on the girl's head - they are then married.
Pista, who approaches the band, whispers, the celebratory music ceases, and a gypsy-like version of the traditional wedding march starts being played
The circle, Pista leads the blushing girl in, the veil is held above her head
Magnum enters the circle, checking around everywhere for everyone - the assassin, Higgins, etc.. We see Higgins back in the crowd, with a hood on and starting to raise the crossbow. There is a terrible solo singer in the circle singing a dreadful Hungarian opera song of some kind, off-key.
Suddenly Joska comes flying into the circle, yelling, "NOOOOOOOO! She's mine! I love her!"
He is grabbed by some of the men, and Pista tells them to restrain him and tie him to a tree till the end of the ceremony.
Back to the singer trying to get back to where he was, Higgins getting ready to aim again - a gypsy extra sees Higgins, shouts out, "He tries to shoot our Rom Baro!"
And the mob descends on Higgins. He gets the arrow fired but it just flies wild and doesn't hit anyone. The veil drops on the girl's head. Pista: "The marriage is complete! Long live our Rom Baro and his new queen!"
Magnum looks at Jozsef, who shrugs; Magnum looks at Higgins, still buried under the gypsies, then looks at the camera and shakes his head in disbelief.
The wedding festivities now going on after the ceremony
Much dancing, music, etc... Magnum is being congratulated by gypsy men who file by and shake his hand. Rick and T.C. come over to him and ask why Higgins tried to pull such a stunt. Magnum says he'll explain later. Cut to Higgins struggling with the gypsies and calling for Magnum's assistance. Magnum apparently accepts, ruefully, that all the bickering has led to Higgins' truly wanting to kill him so he must be punished. Pista offers the gypsy punishment of being tarred and feathered and put in the chicken coop with the chickens. Magnum says, no, he'd rather just have Higgins become Magnum's personal slave. Higgins says he'd rather be with the chickens. But Pista agrees that Higgins can be Magnum's personal slave, so the men release him and walk away. Then Pista advises that Magnum must NOW consummate the marriage at the stroke of midnight. He laughs with delight and walks away.
Robin's Nest study that night
Higgins, Magnum, Rick, T.C., Sari, and Jozsef there. "Great plan, guys. Now I'm married to a 15-year-old,"
grouses Magnum. T.C. grouses that there wasn't a real reception, so no food and he's hungry.
Jozsef muses that he can't figure out why "they" (the bad guys) allowed the marriage to be finished because now if something happens to Magnum, the girl, as his widow, has the right to pick who will be king.
The main room of the Guesthouse that same night
It is lit only by candles, but they are all over the place. Magnum enters and reaches for the light, then sees the candles and pauses. Very romantic and all that. Cut to the girl, looking extraordinarily lovely, emerging from the bedroom in a diaphanous nightgown. She moves to Magnum and advises him it is five minutes to midnight. Here we have a brief scene of the girl coming on to Magnum and his trying to avoid the situation, of course. She manages to lead him to the bedroom, which has been garishly re-decorated for the special occasion by the gypsy women, reds and purples, rich fabrics, lots of fringe - the usual. Magnum says the girl must get into bed first, and when she does, he flies by the bed, dashing into the bathroom and locking the door behind himself in great relief.
The estate grounds the next morning
Magnum and the girl are approaching from the guesthouse. The festivities are set up and the crowd gives a cheer. Red velvet bags of chicken feathers are tossed around the happy married couple (!?!?!?!?). The girl runs to her girlfriends her age, Magnum goes to his usual crew of T.C., Rick, Higgins, and Sari. Pista approaches and says, rather leeringly, that Magnum looks "tired." Magnum concedes he is. Pista advises that with the cutting of the cake, the festivities will begin. He walks off. T.C. comments that Magnum does look tired and Magnum tells them that he is because he spent the night in the bathtub and didn't sleep all that well. Magnum tells them to scatter and be on the lookout. Cut to the girl who announces to everyone that it's time to cut the cake. Cut to the table with a atrocious red and purple wedding cake, lots of other food around on the table too. Magnum and the girl take their places, while Magnum keeps scanning the crowd, camera view pans to Rick and T.C. moving through the crowd, Jozsef in the old lady costume again, etc.. Back to Magnum and the girl, they take the knife together in their hands, lift it to cut the cake.
A view of the same scene of Magnum and the girl from the rear, but looking down the barrel of a rifle
The barrel jumps a bit as a shot is fired.
Magnum, shot in the back, in slo-mo, falling forward
Magnum grimaces in pain and falls face down in the red and purple cake, blooding pouring out of his mouth.
The girl, who screams.
Sari then screams and shouts, "The king is dead!"
Pandemonium, with everyone running around. Pista bursts into the middle of the scene shouting for everyone to be calm, he's in charge, he will see that the people have a leader. Sari reminds him he cannot be the king because he is not of royal blood. The girl suddenly comes forward and says she is now the queen and whoever she chooses will be king, and she will marry Pista and he WILL be the king. The crowd is very confused. Sari questions the girl, who says she is doing what is best for her people. Cut to Magnum still lying face-down in the cake.
Jozsef who emerges from the crowd
He strips off his disguise, stating he won't accept Pista as king because Pista is a coward and a murderer. Pista is stunned, "But you are dead!"
- "Just as you thought Mr. Magnum was dead."
, says Jozsef. Magnum arises, cake- and fake-blood covered, from the wedding cake [it doesn't say if the table collapsed when he fell on it. It surely must have or he wouldn't have stayed lying on the table half-way on and half-way off if he were really dead. Though it would have made a cute shot to have him slide off and collapse, cake-covered and bloody, on the ground . . . .] Magnum spits out the fake blood capsule and approaches Pista saying, "You shot me. If I shot you, why are you not dead?"
T.C. and Rick approach with the rifle, which Jozsef takes and fires three shots point-blank at Pista, who cringes but obviously isn't shot. It is explained that Sari was suspicious of Pista and had the boys sneak into his tent the night before and substitute blanks for the bullets. Pista says no one can prove anything. Jozsef says they don't have to - in the gypsy world, he is the judge and jury. He is disgusted and tells the gypsy men to turn Pista over to the non-gypsy (American) police, Pista is no longer a gypsy. He is led away, still screaming and offering to deal. He offers the girl to Jozsef, but he is still dragged away. The girl approaches Jozsef, "What happens to me?" "You are banished. You and Joska go start your own life."
They run off. The joyful crowd gathers around Jozsef, happy to have their real king back.
The next day, in the Ferrari with Magnum driving and Rick riding along
Still wearing his gypsy garb and bemoaning how Sari has just blown him off (he's holding a letter). Magnum asks if he can't take the outfit off now. Rick ignores this request and then Magnum asks why he's going along with Rick to see Sari. Rick says since she's Magnum's client and she owes Magnum "one" for helping re-establish her brother as the rightful kind, Magnum can convince her that Rick is the right man for her. Which reminds Magnum, "What WERE you doing all those nights with her?"
Rick is ready to tell, but only Magnum, swears him not to tell T.C., but he had been taking acrobat lessons from Sari - he always wanted to be a tumbler in the circus. Magnum crows with laughter and continues laughing as they pull into the parking lot in front of Sari's parlor, which shows now to be obviously cleaned out and deserted. Rick dashes in and Magnum follows. The only thing left are papers and magazines on the floor. Rick begins his pity-potty routine again, he wasn't good enough, etc.. Magnum says that he was sure she really did like him but she was a gypsy and they always have to keep moving on. In kicking around the stuff on the floor, he spots a National Geographic magazine. It's from June 1936, the same issue Jozsef was looking at in the kidnap scene at the beginning. Magnum starts flipping through it until he gets to the picture of the king that the kidnapping interrupted our view of in the first scene - and we see the reaction on Magnum's face as he looks at the king. Cut to the picture of the king. It's the spitting image of Magnum, of course!!
Magnum looking at the camera
"perplexed, unsure" - "What the --?"
Gypsy music surges.
(To Rick, who is wearing gypsy attire)
: Come on, Zsa-Zsa, let's go get a good seat.
Magnum: The last time I went to a fortune teller was when I was eight years old. She told me that someone I loved would leave this earth. Two weeks later my dog Joey got hit by a truck. It had to be a coincidence, at least I hoped it was.
Magnum: I kept telling everyone that I couldn't be "King of the Gypsies", but no one seemed to be listening!
Special thanks to golfmobile for providing the script & all of the info about this unfilmed episode!