Rejected article I wrote for a magazine. (Off topic)
Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 6:58 am
Q & A
By now, I’m sure that practically everyone has an e-mail account. Those of you with one have undoubtedly received the all-too-familiar e-mail from a friend or relative that contains personal questions that have already been answered by the aforementioned people. The answers to the questions are supposed to reveal to you, many little known “fun facts” about this person. After the e-mail is read, you are to cut and paste the questions to a new e-mail, delete your friend’s answers and then replace them with your own. You are then instructed to forward it to 10 friends after that is done.
After receiving yet another “fun fact” e-mail from a friend, I began reading my friend’s answers and I noticed that they consisted of mostly one word. Examples of her answers would include, “No”, “Yes,” and “Maybe”. She had also included with a couple of answers, a sentence or two of explanation. I suppose I learned a tiny bit more about her than I knew before, but I really wasn’t impressed. Having never wanted to take the time to do this in the past, I thought my answers would be boring, and I also considered it a monumental waste of time. With nothing better to do, I reluctantly decided to answer all 27 questions. With the questions before me, I then decided that I would go for unadulterated, take-no-prisoners, brutal honesty.
Little did I know that my answers would reveal something that I never, ever knew about myself. How could this be? I thought I knew myself pretty well. Objectively, I had to start asking myself some serious questions. What was going on here? Was I in a parallel universe having stepped through a door to the fourth dimension? Was this a spiritual awakening? A raising of my consciousness? A revelation the likes of which I had never experienced before? Or was this an emergence of an ugly, morally reprehensible obsession? I don’t really know. I can’t put my finger on it exactly, so here are the questions and my answers so you can judge for yourself.
1. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes.
2. WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Ruth.
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? When Magnum PI went off the air.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Selleck Krispies.
5. FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ICE CREAM? Chocolate Selleck Cookie Dough.
6. FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Selleck & Pimento loaf.
7. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes, but I do have a slight weakness for Tom Selleck.
8. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yes, and I think maybe Tom Selleck does too. In response to the thousands…er…couple of fan letters I’ve written him, he even sent me something once. It was called an “Order of Protection”. Wow, what’s up with that?
9. WHAT DID YOU EAT AT YOUR LAST MEAL? A Tom Sandwich with a side of Selleck.
10. RED OR PINK? Red, like the Ferrari Tom Selleck drove in Magnum PI.
11. HUGS OR KISSES? Definitely hugs…or kisses if Tom Selleck is involved somehow.
12. ROLLING STONES OR THE BEATLES? Beatles, for sure! (Having a hard time finding a Tom Selleck answer for this one, darn it!)
13. YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? See Answer #9.
14. ARE YOU READING A BOOK RIGHT NOW? Yes, “Tom Selleck: An Unauthorized Biography”, by Jason Bonderoff
15. FURTHEST YOU’VE BEEN FROM HOME? Hawaii, where the TV series Magnum PI was filmed.
16. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Yes, working on my numerous Tom Selleck scrapbooks.
17. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU CALLED ON THE PHONE? Tom Selleck…he didn’t answer.
18. FAVORITE DESSERT? Tom Selleck
19. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSEPAD? Tom Selleck (Who knew?)
20. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND TO THIS E-MAIL? Tom Selleck.
21. FAVORITE SEASON? The new fall TV season where Tom Selleck will be on the show “Vegas” on Friday nights at 9PM on NBC.
22. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF? My inability to find the resources that would allow me to meet Tom Selleck.
23. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? The character of Thomas Magnum on Thursday nights at 8 PM on CBS.
24. YOUR FAVORITE SMELL? The smell of Tom Selleck walking out of the ocean, all wet and glistening in the sun.
25. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? August 30 in Beverly Hospital, just a few miles from Sherman Oaks, California where Tom Selleck grew up.
26. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NITE? My DVDs of the TV show “Boston Legal”, 2nd Season. But only the episodes with Tom Selleck in them.
27. HAVE YOU EVER SHOUTED AT SOMEONE IN ANGER? Only when someone disrespects Tom Selleck in my presence.
After reading my answers to these seemingly innocuous questions, I think my family might want to get the ball rolling and arrange for an intervention. They need to get me to rehab and on a 12-step program as soon as possible. I need to get my life back on track and quit thinking about (dare I say it?) Tom Selleck.
By now, I’m sure that practically everyone has an e-mail account. Those of you with one have undoubtedly received the all-too-familiar e-mail from a friend or relative that contains personal questions that have already been answered by the aforementioned people. The answers to the questions are supposed to reveal to you, many little known “fun facts” about this person. After the e-mail is read, you are to cut and paste the questions to a new e-mail, delete your friend’s answers and then replace them with your own. You are then instructed to forward it to 10 friends after that is done.
After receiving yet another “fun fact” e-mail from a friend, I began reading my friend’s answers and I noticed that they consisted of mostly one word. Examples of her answers would include, “No”, “Yes,” and “Maybe”. She had also included with a couple of answers, a sentence or two of explanation. I suppose I learned a tiny bit more about her than I knew before, but I really wasn’t impressed. Having never wanted to take the time to do this in the past, I thought my answers would be boring, and I also considered it a monumental waste of time. With nothing better to do, I reluctantly decided to answer all 27 questions. With the questions before me, I then decided that I would go for unadulterated, take-no-prisoners, brutal honesty.
Little did I know that my answers would reveal something that I never, ever knew about myself. How could this be? I thought I knew myself pretty well. Objectively, I had to start asking myself some serious questions. What was going on here? Was I in a parallel universe having stepped through a door to the fourth dimension? Was this a spiritual awakening? A raising of my consciousness? A revelation the likes of which I had never experienced before? Or was this an emergence of an ugly, morally reprehensible obsession? I don’t really know. I can’t put my finger on it exactly, so here are the questions and my answers so you can judge for yourself.
1. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes.
2. WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Ruth.
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? When Magnum PI went off the air.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Selleck Krispies.
5. FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ICE CREAM? Chocolate Selleck Cookie Dough.
6. FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Selleck & Pimento loaf.
7. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes, but I do have a slight weakness for Tom Selleck.
8. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yes, and I think maybe Tom Selleck does too. In response to the thousands…er…couple of fan letters I’ve written him, he even sent me something once. It was called an “Order of Protection”. Wow, what’s up with that?
9. WHAT DID YOU EAT AT YOUR LAST MEAL? A Tom Sandwich with a side of Selleck.
10. RED OR PINK? Red, like the Ferrari Tom Selleck drove in Magnum PI.
11. HUGS OR KISSES? Definitely hugs…or kisses if Tom Selleck is involved somehow.
12. ROLLING STONES OR THE BEATLES? Beatles, for sure! (Having a hard time finding a Tom Selleck answer for this one, darn it!)
13. YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? See Answer #9.
14. ARE YOU READING A BOOK RIGHT NOW? Yes, “Tom Selleck: An Unauthorized Biography”, by Jason Bonderoff
15. FURTHEST YOU’VE BEEN FROM HOME? Hawaii, where the TV series Magnum PI was filmed.
16. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Yes, working on my numerous Tom Selleck scrapbooks.
17. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU CALLED ON THE PHONE? Tom Selleck…he didn’t answer.
18. FAVORITE DESSERT? Tom Selleck
19. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSEPAD? Tom Selleck (Who knew?)
20. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND TO THIS E-MAIL? Tom Selleck.
21. FAVORITE SEASON? The new fall TV season where Tom Selleck will be on the show “Vegas” on Friday nights at 9PM on NBC.
22. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF? My inability to find the resources that would allow me to meet Tom Selleck.
23. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? The character of Thomas Magnum on Thursday nights at 8 PM on CBS.
24. YOUR FAVORITE SMELL? The smell of Tom Selleck walking out of the ocean, all wet and glistening in the sun.
25. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? August 30 in Beverly Hospital, just a few miles from Sherman Oaks, California where Tom Selleck grew up.
26. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NITE? My DVDs of the TV show “Boston Legal”, 2nd Season. But only the episodes with Tom Selleck in them.
27. HAVE YOU EVER SHOUTED AT SOMEONE IN ANGER? Only when someone disrespects Tom Selleck in my presence.
After reading my answers to these seemingly innocuous questions, I think my family might want to get the ball rolling and arrange for an intervention. They need to get me to rehab and on a 12-step program as soon as possible. I need to get my life back on track and quit thinking about (dare I say it?) Tom Selleck.